The art of sales

Oh, seems like a residence not so far from where I live is on the market (well, it's fairly much exactly where I live). I like the room descriptions, which play up all of the property's desirable features, such as:

BEDROOM ONE 4.04m(13'3'') x 3.10m(10'2'')
One single glazed window with pleasant outlook over Lancaster towards Lancaster castle. One double panelled radiator with thermostat. Power and light.

After all, up here in t' north, it is unusal for rooms to have single glazed windows (brrrr), power sockets and a light. Shame that the pleasant outlook towards Lancaster castle/prison could soon be blocked by a fancy hotel. This would once have made me very angry.

Call centre tips

I have lately been temping in a call centre. This might seem a strange career move, since I can barely follow my own conversation sometimes, so goodness knows how a total stranger at the other end of a crackly phone line is meant to.

I do, however, have plenty of experience of contacting phone centres to talk to my bank, pay bills, discuss application forms etc. etc. and have found the people who answer the phone to be almost always irritable and unhelpful. Now I know why. Based on experience, here are my tips for a successful call centre experience:

1. Don't assume that you can save time by quoting your customer reference number. This assumes that the person at the call centre has access to a computer to look you up on the database. Sure, I'll pretend to look you up at the database, but when I ask for your full address, phone number and insurance policy details 'for confirmation' it is because I am busy writing it all down on an A4 pad - for a time the only technology that I had at my disposal.
2. When I answer the phone "Good afternoon, Spider speaking, how can I help you?", don't reply sceptically "I wonder if you can....". You will only be the 40th or so person to say that today, and it sets the discussion off to a bad start.
3. It's fine to ask to speak to a Team Leader. I won't be insulted - to be honest they're probably much better placed to deal with your query. They're quite few and far between, though, so I will have to put you on hold for about 10 minutes whilst I go and find one, join the queue to talk to them and finally explain the issue to them, during which time you've hung up.
4. You're welcome to threaten to complain to your MP, the Financial Ombudsman and the European Court of Rights. In fact, that's the kind of thing that I would do in the same situation. I love people power!! But this is usually just a roundabout way of asking to speak to a Team Leader. As you wish, please hold...
5. If you live in a place such as Machynlleth or Ffestiniog, please tell me how to spell it. If you live in Birmingham or Plymouth, I'm sure you mean well, but it comes across as a bit patronising.
6. If you're you're the friendly sort, please keep talking. Note how I deliberately attempt to spin out the conversation, change the subject, maybe even phone you back to save your bill - anything to delay Mr. or Ms. Angry who is waiting on the line to speak to me next...

Anywayz, my placement has now come to an end, so I'm sure I will soon lose my newfound call centre empathy, and return to being rude and impatient.

Hearing from my MP

Hear from your MP is, on the surface, an excellent website that allows ordinary internet uses to talk to their local member of parliament via a special e-mail group. Naturally, I signed up months ago and so imagine my excitement when the first e-mail from Ben Wellace (hon. member for Lancaster and Wyre) appeared in my in-box seeking my considered advice.

I just wish that in my enthusiasm I had taken a bit longer to think through my opinions, or at least check my sentence structure, before hitting 'send'. The poor man is going to look at the replies so far and resolve never to use the service again. Note how I also oh so un-subtlely invited him for a pint at the local, which goes to show how much I would enjoy spending time with politicians, even Conservative ones.

Why I hate ITV

... as is clear, something has to really wind me up to provoke a new blog post. The English Football team have exited the World Cup on penalties - the fifth time they have taken such a route out of a competition in living memory (i.e. since about 1986). It was distressing to watch, but familiarity dulls the pain. I don't think any cities in Germany will be razed to the ground as the media expects, but that the disappointed fans will most likely quietly return to their campsites and pack their tents for the journey home.

What bothers me is that later on, in their highlights package, ITV obviously had to put on a little montage of all the team's peaks and troughs throughout the tournament set to angsty music. Now I like angsty music of all types, and something angsty-light by Coldplay or Robbie Williams would have been a fine choice. Because England going out of a tournament on penalties is painful, but nothing that we haven't all experienced before and will experience many, many times again. But instead ITV went for angsty-heavy by playing Hurt by Johnny Cash (originally Nine Inch Nails), which is one of my favourite angst ridden tunes of all. This song has no place on one of ITV's stupid montages dammit - it is the song of a wizened man probing the bitterness of his soul. Or something.

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

They could have meant it for Sven, I suppose, but that is rather cruel, even taking his questionable tactics into account. The poor man tried his best, and here he is being likened to the Michael Henchard by some smart alec vision mixer. Grrr.... I haven't felt so patrionised since the BBC nicked a Radiohead track to try to bully people into paying their little poll tax. That also made me cross.