Why I hate ITV

... as is clear, something has to really wind me up to provoke a new blog post. The English Football team have exited the World Cup on penalties - the fifth time they have taken such a route out of a competition in living memory (i.e. since about 1986). It was distressing to watch, but familiarity dulls the pain. I don't think any cities in Germany will be razed to the ground as the media expects, but that the disappointed fans will most likely quietly return to their campsites and pack their tents for the journey home.

What bothers me is that later on, in their highlights package, ITV obviously had to put on a little montage of all the team's peaks and troughs throughout the tournament set to angsty music. Now I like angsty music of all types, and something angsty-light by Coldplay or Robbie Williams would have been a fine choice. Because England going out of a tournament on penalties is painful, but nothing that we haven't all experienced before and will experience many, many times again. But instead ITV went for angsty-heavy by playing Hurt by Johnny Cash (originally Nine Inch Nails), which is one of my favourite angst ridden tunes of all. This song has no place on one of ITV's stupid montages dammit - it is the song of a wizened man probing the bitterness of his soul. Or something.

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

They could have meant it for Sven, I suppose, but that is rather cruel, even taking his questionable tactics into account. The poor man tried his best, and here he is being likened to the Michael Henchard by some smart alec vision mixer. Grrr.... I haven't felt so patrionised since the BBC nicked a Radiohead track to try to bully people into paying their little poll tax. That also made me cross.

Route optimisation (... or Do I Have Too Much Time)

Just like Clive Woodward at the last World Cup, I have been using some of the world's most sophisticated computer software (that's Paint Shop Pro) to analyse my tactical sporting performance. This is the surest and quickest route to success, and makes a pleasant change from just training really hard.

Last weekend, Lenka and I took part in another adventure race in the Lake District - we have to visit as many checkpoints as possible in 5 hours on foot and by mountain bike, in any order. The team that scores the post points wins, and different checekpoints are worth different numbers of points (denoted by my handwritten markings on the maps, below). We kept a fairly good pace, didn't suffer any mechanical failures or anything, but still only ranked 11th out of 26 teams.

This map shows our MTB route (in orange) and what must be roughly the route taken by the winners (in purple). So we both covered similar distances.

But this is a comparison of the running route - looks like the winners covered a fair bit more ground here!

However, the winners spent about 1hr 45 mins running, whereas we spent just over an hour. So we took longer than them to cover our MTB route, and made more few questionable route choices. We did the running first, but I'm thinking that it would have been better to get all the strenous mountain biking out the way. Hmmm, so many possibilities - still I think that we are close to getting the right formula for Ultimate Success. We've already stormed up the series table by a mathematical quirk.

Oh, and I was 50% wrong in my Apprentice predictions. Ansell was by far the best candidate, but Sir Allen has obviously fallen for Michelle's rags to riches story, which therefore makes her the odds-on favourite for the final next week. You know that a TV series has touched the national consciousness when there are rambling opinion pieces in the newspaper explaining what it says about the state of the nation (not that I agree, which is unusual for the Guardian)

So frustrating

It is a beautiful hot, sunny day and I'm at a loose end. And yet I'm down in the dumps... the TV, newspapers and radio all tell me that there are Important Local Elections taking place up and down the country but in Lancaster there are none to be found.

To an election addict like me it feels like Christmas has been cancelled - but only in the local area. Only on my travels elsewhere I have been able to observe exciting election posters and read all of the interesting leaflets that have been pushed through the doors of people lucky enough to live in more democratic places such as London and Weymouth... after all half the fun of elections is in the build up and I would have enjoyed volunteering to be a canvasser for a party... any party (well maybe not the BNP) and being able to knock on people's doors wearing a smart rosette and surprise them by already knowing their name from a print-out of the electoral roll.

I do have previous experience campaigning for the Tories (mock school election in 1997 - I thought pushing the Nasty Party in their darkest hour would be a challenge but we scored about 65% of the vote, which probably says more about the school than anything else) and the Lib Dems (Oxford local elections 2002, Carfax Ward - we won by forcing people out of the colleges just before the polls closed!). Because of this I would probably have offered my services to the Green Party this time, since Lancaster is one of their little enclaves. But it is not to be.

I was considering travelling all the way to Manchester to cast a vote, if only to demonstrate how easy it is to commit electoral fraud. I know my brother's birthday and his home address, see, and I am also certain that he will not be voting himself. As it is, however, I will have to console myself with the late night electoral coverage on the BBC as the only 'fix' that I will be getting for a while.

Er... I'm a lightweight, I'm fired!

... well it wasn't quite like that, and to be honest I think I managed to cling on to my role at the CPS for longer than they had intended. But a person had been hired permanently to do my role (probably at less cost to them than my wage plus agency fees), so no need for me. I was very pleased to receive a card, lots of chocolate and some Star Wars biscuits as a leaving present. If only that happened after every temping assignment - all I got from Sunterra was a plastic orange pen. But given all the allegations maybe it's wise not to be too closely associated with receiving gifts from that particular organisation.

It was three and a half months of fun, stress and trying not to make too many bumbling mistakes... the problem with that kind of role is that the English criminal justice system creaks along so slowly that mistakes don't come become apparant straight away but only three or four weeks down the line. In the form of a fuming prosecution lawyer. But I enjoyed the atmosphere in the office, thinking up a 'word of the day' and learning about how crime lurks around every corner, even in a bright, happy place like Lancaster. And I don't think I'll ever be venturing north of the Lune again, now I know what goes on there ;-)

The agency were meant to be sorting something out, but surprise, surprise they haven't as yet - so I may well be paying another visit to my friends at Jobcentre Plus and having the luxury of time to write more frequent blog entries!

You're a lightweight, you're fired!

I can't believe that I haven't found time to pass comment on The Apprentice untill now, when the series is reaching its exciting zenith.

I was sad that Sir Alan fired one of my fave candidates, Nargis, in week two, but otherwise 3 of the final four contestants are exactly as I had predicted after watching the first episode. No-one will believe me on this.

Still, since it is pre-filmed, I don't think I could have made any money at the bookies anywayz. Nevertheless, I predict that following the interview round next week, Michelle and Paul will be fired. Michelle seems very quietly competent but I don't think glamourous people sit comfortably in Sir Alan's imagination. Similarly, Paul is a nice guy but sociable, ex-rugby playing, possibly ex-public school people don't really fit well into Sir Alan's corporate culture either. What Sir Alan clearly likes best is vigilant, brutish sales people so the final face-off is obviously going to be between Ruth and Ansell. Now, Ansell apart, it is interesting that the other three remaining candidates are the youngest of all those who started. However, I still think that Ansell will end up as the eventual winner as he has played the game really well. He always keeps a low profile, never says anything controversial, plays the peacemaker in any arguments and has done well in the sales tasks. Furthermore it seems that he used to play for Millwall FC and grew up in edgy South London. Hence good corporate fit for the rough n' ready Amstrad culture that has been criticised by Sir Richard Branson. Branson is clearly the more successful businessman, but his own Apprentice-style TV show was pathetic.

Just wait and see how I will be proved correct - I am becoming an experienced expert in recruitment psychology and just wish I could put some of this knowledge to practical use in the real world!

Democracy in action

It all started with a chance meeting between Lenka and some suits from the Council on the Canal. Plans were afoot to put gravel on the Lancaster cycle path. We thought that cycling on gravel would be worse than cycling on tarmac, and so I set up a simple online petition. At the time of writing, there are 73 signatures (one guy signed twice, but I can't complain).

I also thought that I would write to the local newspapers. I like reading the letters pages on local newspapers, so set out to make my letter suitably pompous, as befits such letters pages. I wrote to the Lancaster Guardian (the broadsheet), which completely ignored me. I also wrote to the Lancaster & Morecambe Citizen, which not only printed my letter, but also printed Lenka's letter directly beneath it. I appreciated that, as it gives readers the impression that two people were sufficiently motivated to independently contact the press in the same week. Alternatively, a more adept reader might suspect a stage-managed stunt, but it's too late now.

Anyway, this week there are two more letters in the Citizen (maybe or maybe not from the same residence...). Clearly we have touched a nerve and have unearthed a burning issue to rank alongside the Palestinian Question (which, strangely, is another very popular topic in the Lancaster & Morecambe Citizen). As Lenka's out of town and I hate to leave a debate hanging in the air I will have to make a reply of some sort. A problem is that I was really hoping that someone from the Council would also write in this week, as Officials are much easier to attack. I'm also really busy (writing this counts as therapy). Still, I've never abandoned a cause yet and I'm interested to see where this will end...

The Apprentice

I'm really looking forward to Wednesday's first episode of what is the only TV show that I enjoy at the mo (apart from Newsnight and Question Time, obviously!). And just as I fruitlessly apply to be in the audience of Question Time whenever I hear that it is going to be within hailing distance (and I count both Edinburgh and Birmingham as being within shouting distance of Lancaster), so I was also disappointed to learn that my application to be on The Apprentice this year was unsuccessful.

The thing that strikes me from browsing through the website is that I am certainly not that much less qualified than any of this year's contestants. Furthermore, as a sometime fan of the genre, I think that appearing on The Apprentice would be an enjoyable way to spend 3 months - living in a pleasant London mansion, taking part in engaging tasks every week and at least minor celebrity status to look forward to when I'm done. However, last night there was a documentary about last year's winner Tim, who as part of his 'prize' was assigned the role of trying to market useless Amstrad electronic tat to a sceptical public. I can't think of anyone I know who would fall for his 'electronic skin stimulation' scam, and quite frankly the criticism he comes in for from Sir Alan Sugar for failing to sell millions of units was unjustified. I can't think of a successful Amstrad product since the CPC 6128 which I used to play computer games when I was about eight years old.

Actually, I think that Sir Alan made the wrong choice in last year's series - if he really wanted someone to sell this useless equipment in bulk he should have chosen natural salesperson Saira as the winner. Tim seems a good natured, talented bloke but I think that the real reason that he was chosen is because he played the 'reality TV' game really well - that is to keep quiet in the early rounds, don't start arguments and generally keep your powder dry. Furthermore, Sir Alan probably saw something of himself in Tim's East End roots. This is a problem that worries me about recruitment - for all the objective tests and assessments, I think recruiters generally choose people with whom they most readily identify. This is why my heart sank when I arrived at an interview to find a panel of ladies from human resources awaiting me (why are all HR people female?). Not that I'm a chauvanist, just that since they were all from a non-technical background I didn't think that we all related that well. Though maybe I'm just paranoid and deluded... :-)

We are deranged

OK, now I'll wind back to last Thursday, where at approximately 4pm I am wandering around the Tate Modern, one of my favourite places in London, waiting to meet a friend at 5. I'd been at a Civil Service open day, and was also feeling worse for wear from the night before. All of the galleries at the Tate have recently been re-hung, and there are several darkened off rooms, with lots of chairs, that show experimental videos. I thought that such a room would be an ideal place to have a quick sleep.

Settling into one of the chairs, I found that my chosen piece of video art was not a relaxing array of rainforest scenes or waves crashing against the shore but a disturbing sequence of dusty hotel rooms, through which almost expressionless men and ladies walked with fixed expressions, ocassionally stopping to throw coats onto the floor, tie people up or adjust their clothing. What I found most unsettling however, was the creepy voiceover, parts of which are still stuck in my mind (I found the rest through a Google search, the piece is called Dictio pii by Markus Schinwald):

(man's voice) We are the perfume of corridors,
unfamiliarised with isolated activity,
traitors of privacy, utopian craftsmen,
pretty beggers not the product of poverty.
(lady's voice) We are pillared by mild sadness and polymorphic history,
eternally sceptical but we believe.
We are illiterates of perfection
We are deranged

It might not sound all that unsettling in black and white, but maybe it just did to me, in my tired state. The dialogue repeats many times over untill it becomes trance inducing, and I certainly wasn't put in the intended nice relaxed mood at all. Also what was interesting is that I've noticed that normally with these kinds of audio/visual installations people walk into the room for a minute or two, decide that they've seen enough and then leave. But I was watching the sequence for maybe twenty minutes, and by the time it was finished the room was packed full with perhaps thirty people, all similarly transfixed. Still wasn't sure what it was all about, though. I really want to know where I can buy it on DVD, to maybe freak people out!

... and he's back! (with a politics rant)

Well, well I think the sizeable gap between weblog postings goes to show that I am not organised enough to both hold down employment of any kind and still find the time to do anything creative. It's too much hard work... still, I have been made aware that there at least four people who loyally check by at regular intervals in hope of fresh tidings, so I thought that I would surprise them.

Anywayz, over the last month or so I have been engaged on various projects which may or may not improve my lot, and I will be reflecting on these in imminent future postings. Right now, however, I shall be whinging on the subject of ID Cards.

As people may know, I have a proud history of fruitlessly campaigning for or against various issues which have included university tuition fees, war on Iraq and global poverty. Modest aims, then. But the whole ID card debate has entirely passed me by, and so now the whole issue has all been sewn up and is safely on the statute books before I've even had the chance to wave a placard in anger. I had to read The Guardian all the way from cover to cover to calm down.

But I don't just object to things because I enjoy going on protests (though that is a factor). My objections in this case are several-fold:

1. The CPS use a lovely great Oracle database called COMPASS to keep a record all past state prosecutions in the country. If the database did not only contain easy to search information about prosecution cases (the purpose for which it was designed), but also debt ratings, education and medical records and even mobile phone and vehicular GPS tracking information I'm sure there would be no end to the fun and games I could have looking up people that I know. I can't assume that everyone who uses databases is as conscientious as me, and even if they were, they could still accidentally end up using personal information in a database inappropriately, that is for reasons other than for that which it was collected. When you have all the info you need in a nice big database it is all to easy to cut corners and save time. The standard reply is that 'if you've done nothing wrong you have nothing to fear'. But I have everything to fear about incompetent officials let loose on their Windows PCs. The technology to track citizens fairly accurately through their mobile phones, for instance, is here already and I can see the day where me and my mobile phone being in the wrong place at the wrong time could automatically make me a suspect and needlessly disrupt my life. Whereas the actual villain will have had the foresight to leave his phone at home on the day of the crime, thus creating an alibi and throwing the police off track. As the Information Commissioner says 'The primary aim of the government with this legislation should be to establish a scheme which allows people to reliably identify themselves rather than one which enhances its ability to identify and record what its citizens do in their lives.'
2. The government claims that the ID cards (and its associated database) will cut down benefit fraud by eliminating multiple identities. But doesn't every person in the UK have a unique National Insurance number for this very reason? I know that some people are assigned 'temporary NI numbers' but this is just because the Inland Revenue are slack.
3. Nobody even tries to claim that ID cards will be a cost-effective way to fight terrorism anymore. The London Transport bombers were carrying excellent, comprehensive ID but quite frankly it didn't stop them that much.
   
4. Most of all, I am consistently losing my wallet, debit cards, keys, whatever. New keys cost about ten pounds from the key cutters. New debit cards are free. The government has proclaimed that a new ID card passport will cost £93 - a suspiciously precise figure that was probably made up on the spot, in an effort to sound authentic. I predict that it will be way, way more than that (as do the LSE, who expect it to be closer to £300), so that everytime I lose my ID card (probably about 3 or 4 times a year), I will have to shell out for a new one. I don't need another thing to lose in my life. Particularly something that I am expected to keep on my person at all times.

With this in mind, I was pleased to see that, in a concession, the new cards will not be compulsory. However, it will not be possible to apply for a British passport without also applying for a card (they will be one and the same document). This means that if I maintain my protest I will never be able to leave the country again. Unless I use my Australian passport. Then I could leave, but maybe not come back... hmmm.